Even If…

So, the past few months have been hell. My husband left. No longer happy. No longer willing to work on a marriage that had quite honestly been spinning in mud for years.

I’ve spent the past few months on a roller coaster. Unfortunately, I get motion sickness. I have not eaten – seriously 5 meals – maybe in 2 months. I don’t sleep – 4 hours sporadic is now the norm. I seriously fight feelins of failure and self loathing. Death seems like it would be a blessing.

The roller coaster is more about the hope, hurt, anger and forgiveness.

At first I so hoped it would work out and the God would be glorified. Now I only hope to survive and come out stronger.

My son deserves more.

Marriage is not about walking away it’s about fighting through.

I have finally come to the end of myself. Even if God doesn’t restore and heal this marriage, I still believe in who he is. I know his plan for me is good.

EVEN IF video by me

Unable to fathom this God

James 1:12 NIV
[12] Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

I can count a million times people asking why I can praise you with all that I’ve gone through.
The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in you?
Maybe since my life was changed long before these rainy days it’s never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you O Lord my only shelter from the storm.
But instead I draw closer through this time

So I pray

Bring me joy,
Bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings you glory,
And I know they’ll be days that this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain.

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
Because you are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
Suffering your destiny,
So tell me what’s a little rain?

So I pray

Bring me joy,
Bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings you glory,
And I know they’ll be days that this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain.

Mercy me – bring the rain

Faith in God like this – knowing whatever he allows he can use to glorify himself

Give me an undivided heart!

Psalm 86:11-13

Teach me your way, Lord,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.

What an awesome prayer of David! May I echo it in my daily life.

Let me remember that God is faithful…

That HE alone should be my God….

My praise should be with all my heart…

He loves me more than I can fathom…

He has delivered me from depths beyond imagine – and is still working on me…

I praise you my God, for you are great and mighty in power! My healer, deliverer, comforter, protector, provider and so much more.

The world behind me….

Psalm 4:1-4,6-7 (MSG)
When I call, give me answers. God, take my side! Once, in a tight place, you gave me room; Now I’m in trouble again: grace me! hear me!

Funny how I find myself here again. Lord Jesus, deliver me from my own foolishness, my own selfish desires. Cleanse my heart and my life with the precious blood you spilled. I need your yoke of grace – the yoke of this world is choking me.

[2] You rabble—how long do I put up with your scorn? How long will you lust after lies? How long will you live crazed by illusion? [3] Look at this: look Who got picked by God! He listens the split second I call to him. [4] Complain if you must, but don’t lash out. Keep your mouth shut, and let your heart do the talking. Build your case before God and wait for his verdict. [6] Why is everyone hungry for more? “More, more,” they say. “More, more.” I have God’s more-than-enough, More joy in one ordinary day

My case before you Lord is that I’ve placed things before you, I repent. I want you to be the most important thing in my life. More important than emotions, family, friends, things, anything. I love you Lord – lead me wherever you will. Use me, show me how to act when my flesh wants to break through in raging control.

[7] Than they get in all their shopping sprees. At day’s end I’m for sound sleep, For you, God, have put my life back together.

Lord you have restored my life before, will you restore it now? Bring us closer – protect his thoughts, his actions, his yearnings. Protect him from his enemy until he sees clearly who you are and what you have done and what you will do. Help me love him like you do. Show me how to live him like you do.

Thank you for your favor, your mercy and grace, your love and the chances you keep giving.

The world behind me, the cross before me; no turning back.

Loving At Arms Length

Today has been a strange kind of reflective day. I had a friend from what I’d hoped was a “past life” contact me today. I had many feelings when I got the message, but most of all I felt glad that she thought of me. That being said, I look at why we went from talking every day to not talking at all, and I know that restoration would be a God sized miracle. Not that I can’t or won’t forgive, but that once again I feel forced to hold people at arms length. People hurt people. The more we love the more it hurts. As I thought about all this, I realized that so many people are held at arms length by me. Since January friends, family, church and even my Jesus is held away from my heart.

I don’t know how to get past it all – I’m not sure I ever want to trust again. To love without regard. In my head I know that Jesus is still there loving me – saddened by the rift caused by his church. I think I’ve healed, but on days like today I wonder if it will ever not hurt to the very core of me.
Life has taught me to protect my heart – to be strong and independent, to need no one – while I am certain that God is asking me to trust him and I want to….my every instinct is to run inside my shell and build another layer on the wall – strengthen, fortify so that no one will touch the deepest parts ever again. How do you get past it all?

Live Today, Remembering…

Sometimes it seems to me that life is long.  Days at work are long.  It takes a LONG time to clean a house (especially mine…)  I am in a season in my life right now where it seems long.  God is sifting me and I hate letting go of things – especially things that seem (in a worldly sense) to help with the despicable circumstances in which I find myself.  We go to doctors for help with problems that we cannot control – problems too big for us.  (Maybe you don’t – but I have).  I know that sometimes a doctor’s help is necessary – life is just too big – too much for one heart to bear. 

I guess what I wonder is how much time do I personally waste on worrying about things in which I have no say — no control whatsoever.  The only things that I can control are my thoughts and my attitude — AND living in this world sometimes it seems impossible to stop the negativity.  I can do nothing about the conclusions that people jump to based on circumstances that I had no control over.  It hurts though, to think that people that I thought knew me, really didn’t at all.

I read the following devotion today, and was reminded, once again, that life comes with no guarantees of tomorrow.  

LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered—
how fleeting my life is.  Psalm 39:4

Life is short no matter how long we live. If there is something important we want to do, we must not put it off for a better day. Ask yourself, “If I had only six months to live, what would I do?” Tell someone that you love him or her? Deal with an undisciplined area in your life? Tell someone about Jesus? Because life is short, don’t neglect what is truly important.

Live today, remembering that Jesus Christ loves you – so much that he would come to this earth from a glorious heaven and give his life.   John 3:16 – “This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life.

Live today, remembering that God is watching everything you do.      2 Choronicles 16:9a For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.

Live today, knowing that when you screw it all up, God is faithful to forgive sincere repentance.  He knows the heart – and how much you want to do what is good and right.  1 John 1:9  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Live  today, remembering that the Holy Spirit within you is stronger and more powerful than your flesh – if only you will give your will to him.  1 John 4:4 But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.

Live today, remembering that when you are in circumstances totally out of your control – there is One that is in complete control.  Job 42:2 (NIV) “I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.

Psalm 145:13-14 (NIV) Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.

Live today, remembering that bitterness harms you more than the one you are hurt and angry with, and that love covers a multitude of wrongs.  Eph. 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

LIVE life for Jesus

LOVE with all your heart

FORGIVE quickly

LEARN from mistakes

LEAN on Jesus

From Spiritual Heights to Fleshly Lows

Genesis 15-16

Abram has just returned from what was really an amazing defeat.  There were kings from ALL over fighting.  The war had taken Lot, Abram’s nephew captive, so /Abram went to his rescue with 318 of his servants.  OK – there were 9 countries (areas) or kings fighting here – 9 – can you imagine all the people and armies?  Abraham goes, recovers Lot and his stuff (and some spoils) and brings them back.

I wonder if Abram knew that God had blessed him right away?  I wonder because immediately following the recapture of Lot the Bible says the King of Sodom came to see Abram – but before we see what that’s about King Melchizedek came calling as well.  King Mel. tells Abram that God delivered him and blessed him to recapture Lot.  Abram realizing this high priest had a message from God and a blessing to boot – a promised son!  He gave him one tenth of all the spoils.

Then the King of  Sodom steps back up and says, OK you can have the spoils but give us our men back.  Abram gives everything back to him stating that no one would ever say his riches came from the King of Sodom.

Well, Sarai, is still very stuck on the son part or the blessing and says, Abram, take Hagar, my maid, and have a son with her.  Common practice then, but it still irritates me that Abram would – but he did.

Isn’t that just like us?  Getting in a hurry for the blessing God has promised us…We do all sorts of things to speak up blessings here – purchase things on credit, sex before marriage….

We must remember to wait on the LORD – He alone knows the blessings that He has for us.  They are far more than our little brains can imagine.  God, help me to remember to wait on You.  Wait for Your move – not mine!  Give me wisdom to know what that is.  Deliver e from the impatient spirit that would have me go jump before you are ready for me too.

Generational Righteousness?

Genesis 6: 5-9

The LORD observed the extent of human wickedness on the earth, and he saw that everything they thought or imagined was consistently and totally evil. ⁶ So the LORD was sorry he had ever made them and put them on the earth. It broke his heart. ⁷ And the LORD said, “I will wipe this human race I have created from the face of the earth. Yes, and I will destroy every living thing—all the people, the large animals, the small animals that scurry along the ground, and even the birds of the sky. I am sorry I ever made them.” ⁸ But Noah found favor with the LORD.

The Story of Noah

⁹ This is the account of Noah and his family. Noah was a righteous man, the only blameless person living on earth at the time, and he walked in close fellowship with God.

 

So we go from Enoch walking so closely with God that God just takes him to 3 generations later where the wickedness on the earth was so great that the Lord’s heart was broken.  I wonder what it must have felt like to God?  He spoke the world into existence – thinking of everything that we see here now and even more.  He made so many different types of beautiful flowers, grass, trees – He made the stars and placed them in exactly the right place so that the earth would flourish – He made animals – I mean 22,000 different types of ants – along with horses, zebras, dogs, tigers, hippopotamus, birds and insects – and all the different types of all these animals.  It’s amazing isn’t it?  How he took the time to design everything  perfectly.  Then after He looked at His creation and saw that it was good……BOOM — Adam and Eve decide to listen to the Deceiver.  First heartbreak.  God disciplines and restores then…..BOOM — Cain is jealous and kills his brother.  Second heartbreak.  Now, years later,  things have gotten so bad that God says – I’m sorry I ever made them – they are nothing but evil. Another heartbreak.  But, then, as he scans the earth from His glorious throne, He sees one bright light.  ONE.  Amazingly, the descendant of his dear friend Enoch.  There’s Noah.  I wonder if God didn’t call Enoch over and say – look at your grandchild – the only good one among all this filth.

As a parent, this gives me a little hope.  I know that left to my own devices, I am evil.  There is nothing good in me, except the amazing grace that paid for my sins.  Because of that grace, because of the fact that when I accepted Jesus as my salvation from an eternal hell, I was in fact adopted — chosen by God Almighty to be a co-heir with Jesus Christ.  Even though I still screw it up every day – I have hope that the life I live today will influence the generations that will come after me.  I hope that my children will learn from me that Jesus Christ is the only good thing in me.  That it is because of Him that I can continue to pick myself up, dust myself off, and press on toward the goal set before me.

As God looks down from heaven today, I am certain that he sees rampant evil across our land.  I wonder how many bright spots there are?  Am I one of them?  Do I please him?  All I know is that I love Him, I am so thankful for Him, and even though I still don’t “get it right” when I am walking the thing out – His grace is sufficient for me.

 

Enoch Walked with God

²¹ When Enoch was 65 years old, he had a son named Methuselah.²² After Methuselah was born, Enoch walked with God 300 years more and had other sons and daughters.²³ So Enoch lived a total of 365 years.²⁴ Enoch walked with God; one day Enoch could not be found, because God took him.

²⁵ When Methuselah was 187 years old, he had a son named Lamech.²⁶ After Lamech was born, Methuselah lived 782 years and had other sons and daughters.²⁷ So Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died.

²⁸ When Lamech was 182, he had a son.²⁹ Lamech named his son Noah and said, “He will comfort us in our work, which comes from the ground the Lord has cursed.”³⁰ After Noah was born, Lamech lived 595 years and had other sons and daughters.³¹ So Lamech lived a total of 777 years, and then he died.

³² After Noah was 500 years old, he became the father of Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

This passage has always caught my interest.  First of all I am totally amazed at the lifespan of all these men.  I am only 40 and I feel ancient some days.  Can you even imagine living for 900 years.  I have lots of questions for the women – did they live that long too?  Can you imagine saying, “yes, I had my youngest son, Lamech, when I was 472 years old.  Seriously, I was 34 when I had my last child, and I know that I am way too old to be trying to stay awake with a crying baby now!!

Other than that simple musing, I find Enoch’s relationship with God incredible.  Enoch, the great, great grandfather of the famous Noah.  Methuselah, born to Enoch when he was a lively 65 year old chap,  lived longer than any other person in history.  969 years.  He must have honored his mom and dad – even before the commandment was written.  Anyway, Enoch lived 65 years had Methuselah then continued to walk with God for 300 years, until one day – he was gone.  

I have to wonder what the family thought?  Did they have any idea he was going?  Did God give him some sort of warning – “Look, I’m gonna move you up here with me tomorrow – go get your affairs in order. ”  Or did the family look and look for Enoch and then finally figure it out – God took Him.  

I wonder what that kind of relationship looks like with God Almighty.  To please Him so much that he just takes you to be with Him.  I’m betting that Enoch was humble, did what was right and feared God.  I guess my question is – what does that look like today?  Can you start right now and humble yourself, begin to pray with every breath, and because of the power of God make the choices that require us to die to ourselves?  I believe we can – but we must also be aware of the fact that there is someone out to distract us at every turn.  Don’t discount the battle, for it is tough – but with prayer and God’s Word – Victory is ours!!

Let’s strive to live as Enoch did – for the next five minutes and then the next, and then the next……  

Joseph – the stepdad

Matthew 1:18-25 NCV

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about. His mother Mary was engaged  Because Mary’s husband, Joseph, was a good man, he did not want to disgrace her in public, so he planned to divorce her secretly.

While Joseph thought about these things, an angel of the Lord came to him in a dream. The angel said, “Joseph, descendant of David, don’t be afraid to take Mary as your wife, because the baby in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus,  All this happened to bring about what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will be pregnant. She will have a son, and they will name him Immanuel,”  When Joseph woke up, he did what the Lord’s angel had told him to do. Joseph took Mary as his wife, but he did not have sexual relations with her until she gave birth to the son. And Joseph named him Jesus.

So, I wonder what Joseph thought, really.  What in the world?  Maybe Mary and Joseph didn’t live in the day and age where affairs were rampant.  Maybe it was easy for him to believe -“I received a message from an angel from God telling me I am to have the messiah child!  The Holy Spirit will come upon me and I will be with child!  Please, Joseph, believe me!  I have not been unfaithful to you.”

Thank God that he sent a message to Joseph too.  Take it from someone who has lived in a married, divorced, married again kind of marriage — Joseph NEEDED more than just Mary’s word.  Not that Mary’s word wasn’t true – he needed a greater authority.

Even with the word from THE authority – it’s not an easy road ahead.  Mary has this perfect child – PERFECT mind you.  Like, none of the children that Joseph and Mary will have will ever measure up.  This one is the “GOD-child”!

I often think about the sacrifice of Joseph.  I wonder what his thoughts were about Jesus.  Was he jealous for his other children?  Did he realize who Jesus was– the Son of Almighty God.  Was he more strict with Jesus than his other kids?  Did he expect more from him?  Did he compare the other siblings?  “WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE JESUS?”

I am amazed at Joseph’s humility.  He is not mentioned a lot in the Scriptures, but based on how so many of us live our lives today we must have some sort of inkling as to how he felt.  He was strong.  He loved in spite of circumstances.  He forgave.  He provided for the physical needs of the son of God.  How many times did he complain?  Think God just didn’t write them out for us?  Wonder why he told us how the Israelites complained so often?  I believe Joseph loved Jesus as his own, the very best he knew how.

Have step children?  Love them.  Just like Joseph.  They need you just like Jesus needed an earthly dad.  Rank yourself among the elite – only a few in God’s Word were called to be step fathers.